


Low Light

by tay_99



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-10-01 23:01:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17253023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_99/pseuds/tay_99
Summary: There's was a part of Freddie that he always tried to suppress, but there was something about Auston that made that part of Freddie keep trying to force its self to the surface. And just when Freddie though he had everything under control one small movement complicates the whole situation.





	1. An Emotional Affair

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. PLEASE HIT THE BACK BUTTON NOW IF YOUR NAME OR ANYONE YOU KNOWS NAME APPEARS IN THIS WORK.
> 
> The idea for this came to me while I was driving back from visiting family over break, so I decided to actually put it to words while I had the time off from school. That being said I did write it pretty fast so apologies in advance for any mistakes.

The low light of the cabin paired the soft sounds of snoring had becoming a soothing site for Freddie through his increasing time spent in the NHL. Freddie tried to not take his job for granted, but there are times like these were he couldn’t see himself any where else. Even after a longer road trip when everyone just wants to be in their own bed, there is something soothing about being in this moment that Freddie would never want to change. 

He never had a consistent teammate that sat next to him during their flights to wherever they may be going during that trip, which Freddie was fine with. It’s not that he didn’t want to always have someone to sit next to, but it was nice to have some time alone, he could still interact with them they just didn’t have to sit right there. It also meant when Freddie wanted to sleep, which he doesn’t find himself doing often, he wouldn’t feel like he was imposing himself if one of the guys wanted to stay up. But today Auston had asked Freddie if he could sit by him and Freddie couldn’t tell him no. 

Babcock had Auston go on the California trip with the team because he knew that leaving Auston home by himself for the week would do nothing for him trying to rehab his shoulder back. And everyone including Freddie was happy that Auston was on the trip with them, he brought this lightness with him wherever he went which was infectious to those around him. 

But ever since the hit that took Auston out of the lineup, Freddie had noticed the fear and hesitation that lingered behind every other emotion that Auston may have been displaying. After the hit Auston couldn’t drive himself home so Freddie had offered to drive him back to his apartment. The whole ride to the apartment Auston hadn’t said a word to Freddie, he had just stared out of the window with the hand of his uninjured arm clutching protectively over the upper arm of the recently injured arm. When he pulled into the garage of Auston apartment, they sat in Freddie’s car silently for what felt was an eternity. In reality it was only a few minutes, but before Freddie could say anything Auston spoke just above a whisper. 

“Freddie I’m scared man.” At first Freddie didn’t even hear what Auston had said but after a second what he had confessed hit Freddie with such power and fear that he couldn’t come up with something to say.

“Aus.…” there was a break, “you’re going to be… it’s gonna be okay”

“But what if it isn’t?” For the first time since Auston had gotten in the car with him, he looked Freddie in the eyes. 

The fact that Auston was eight years younger than him always lingered at the back of Freddie’s mind, but for the most part Auston didn’t act his age he acted as though he was five or six years older than what he was. But in the silence of Freddie’s car, shadows casting darkness, it was the first time Freddie saw just how young his best friend was. Auston eyes were wide with terror, he was scared that he wouldn’t be able to come back from another injury to his shoulder. All Freddie wanted to do was comfort his friend but he didn’t know how. 

Freddie knew the fear that Auston was feeling, every time a puck or a skate or someone came crashing towards his face Freddie feared that that would be the blow that would end is career. He knew rationally that all of those things came with being a goalie but it still scared him every time he stepped into the crease. 

“Hey, you are going to be fine. We just have to make sure we get going on the rehab on your shoulder not rush anything and then everything will work out fine.” He didn’t know if his words were doing anything to sooth Auston’s fears. “How about we go upstairs, order some food and watch a movie.”

Without waiting from a response from Auston, Freddie turned his car off never taking his eyes off the man next to him. Freddie knew that Auston would reject his offer saying that he wanted to be alone and go to bed, but Freddie also knew Auston better than that. He will never admit it to the training staff but during his last injury Auston would stay up all hours of the night barely getting any sleep, Freddie knew this because he’d get the occasion call in the dead of night from Auston or Auston would send him different meme on Instagram at three in the morning and then be at the arena when the team practiced at nine. He got so caught up in the fear and pain of the injury that he rushed his recovery so that he could stop thinking about how alone he was.

“Before you say no, I don’t care. I’m going to go up with you, if you want to go to bed then I will leave once you do but you’re not going to sit by yourself all night thinking about how you may never be the same player again. You are going to be fine, you’ve come back from so much worse Auston and you are young and resilient and everything is going to be okay.” 

“… okay” 

With that Freddie unlock his car and the pair got out and headed towards the lobby. Not knowing what may happen, and himself feeling a little hungry Freddie asked, “Do you have any food?”

“Yeah. Why?” Auston questioned while pressing the up button on the elevator. 

“I’m going to make us something not unless you want to order something. But either way I’m going to steal a snack.” Freddie tried to lighten the mood with the last bit. 

“You can make something that’s fine. I have salmon or some chicken that you can make us.”

The ride up to Auston’s thirteenth floor apartment was silent, so was following Auston down the hall and into his apartment. Freddie had been there so many times, making him, Auston, and Mitch countless meals that he didn’t even need to be shown to the kitchen. While Freddie immediately went to the kitchen to start working on the meal, he heard Auston walk further into the apartment and what he presumed was his bedroom because he hadn’t stopped in the adjacent room to the kitchen which was the living room. After a few moments Freddie heard Auston re-emerge from whatever room he was in. And as he began to panfry the salmon, he heard the padded footprints of Auston making his way into the kitchen. Because his back was turned away from Auston, he didn’t see him pull himself onto the counter tops, and he only realized that Auston had once he finished the first piece of salmon and went to grab another pot to start boiling water for some rice. 

Neither of them said a word while Freddie cooked, rather Auston just watched him cook and Freddie didn’t know what the right words to say were so he remained quiet. Freddie worked around where Auston was seated on the counter top, he place both of the plated near Auston’s thigh while he prepared the plates and while he didn’t have the intentions to, his hand brushed across his leg a few times. Once Freddie had plated all of the food, he stood in front of Auston staring the younger man in the eyes. 

Auston still looked younger and more scared than Freddie had ever seen him, but there was something else in Auston’s eyes that Freddie couldn’t tear himself away from. 

Since the first time that Freddie had met Auston he found himself drawn to him, and at first Freddie chalked it up to them both being new to the team, and city, but the more that they had spent time together the more he thought it was something else. He found himself focusing on trying to make Auston laugh or smile because he wanted to see his whole face light up, or when Auston decided to wear those particularly tight black skinny jeans when the team went out Freddie would find himself looking at just how defined they made his thighs look. Or Freddie would notice after some of the more stressful games Auston’s lips would be slightly redder and more swollen, since he would chew at them when Auston would be waiting for a line change on the bench. It was a bunch of small things that Freddie would notice that he knew that teammates weren’t supposed too, because he didn’t look for those thing in the his other teammates, even the ones that he spent years playing with back home. And Freddie wasn’t in denial with himself, he recognized that there were some guys that he found himself attracted to but he was too hesitant to act on anyone of them because he never wanted to risk it. Playing hockey in Denmark was hard enough, and once he started gaining attention and teams expressed their interest in him, Freddie didn’t want to risk it all just because there was a guy that he liked. There were plenty of girls that made him feel almost the same way, his attraction may have taken longer with some of the girls that he had gotten within the past, but that wasn’t enough for Freddie. When Freddie finally made it in the NHL and he saw the anonymity that he had in Anaheim he let himself slip up a few times. He found himself on the pack dance floor, at whatever club a teammate would suggest, grinding on a random stranger and then frantically making out in a dark corner of the club. It’s was never more than that, he always tried to keep himself in the shadows whenever he did something like that. But when he was traded to Toronto, Freddie knew that he could never do something like that. The city eat, sleeped, and breathed the team, so someone would be bound to found out. 

But there was something with Auston that no matter how much Freddie tried to push it aside it just wouldn’t go away. Freddie tried so many things from hooking up with any girl that would catch his eye, to girls that reminded him of Auston. But nothing seemed to help. The closest thing that Freddie could do to make that feeling go away was by with Auston, it didn’t matter what they were doing as long as they were together. 

But now, standing in front of Auston looking so vulnerable and scared all Freddie wanted to do was give in to the nagging desire that lingered in the back of his head, to be with Auston and make sure he was okay. In this moment thought, looking each other in the eye Freddie knew that he valued this friendship too much, he valued it more than the team and his career at the moment, so he didn’t act in the way he desired. Rather he placed his hand tentatively right above Auston’s knee, looking for a response on Auston’s face. 

After a brief moment of no response a small smile slipped across Auston’s face. “The food smells really great Fred.”

“Oh, yeah. You ready to eat?” Auston nodded in response unmoving besides that, still staring each other in the eyes nothing happened. Auston’s eyes roamed across Freddie’s face searching for something, all the while Freddie stared softly back at him. 

Auston’s legs spread slightly more making Freddie centered in between them. Unknowingly Freddie brought the hand that was already on Auston’s knee further up his thigh, but the action of him bringing the hand that was by his side up to place on Auston’s other leg brought Freddie out of his daze. Not wanting to risk it, Freddie backed up taking his hand off Auston’s thigh and grabbed both plates.

“Where do want to eat?” Freddie questioned as he backed further into the kitchen. 

“Ummm the couch is good.” Auston’s face had an unreadable expression on it, but Freddie pushes it aside and walked out of the kitchen. 

They ate their food with little conversation between them rather they focused on watching whatever was on TV. And once they finished Freddie brought the plates back into the kitchen, turning off the kitchen lights as he left. When he went back into the living room Auston had a blanket thrown across him and was curled up on the couch. There was just enough room for Freddie to sit on the couch, Auston’s hair laying against Freddie’s thigh. Words were unspoken the TV casting a light glow across the room, laminating Auston’s face is soft shades of blue and orange. At some point Freddie’s fingers found themselves running through Auston’s hair, the injured man moving slightly closer. He didn’t know when but at some point Auston had fallen asleep soft snores escaping his lips as Freddie continued to run his fingers through his hair.

There was a buzz in Freddie’s pocket that pulled him away from massaging Auston’s hair, the notification wasn’t important but the time was. It was well past one in the morning meaning that Freddie needed to get going. He debated if he should wake up Auston, but ultimately decided to let him sleep, quietly getting up locking up using the key that Auston had given him when he first moved in. 

And for a while after that night Freddie found himself after practices and games that they had at home going back to Auston’s place, making them lunch or dinner depending on the time. After the games, Freddie would find himself in the same position, Auston watching him make the food, eating on the couch, rubbing Auston’s head until he would fall asleep, then leaving after Auston had been a sleep for long enough that Freddie wouldn’t wake him when he left. Well that was until the game against Pittsburgh, the team had one away game since Auston had gotten injured but they hadn’t spent the night. Rather the team got make to Toronto early in the morning, so Freddie didn’t want to bother Auston so he went home instead of Auston’s, sending him a text telling him he’d see him later on in the day. 

But it never happened. 

When Freddie text him asking about plans, Auston just replied that he was busy. And at first Freddie didn’t think much of it, cause he knew that Auston had PT that he needed to do and he did other work with the trainers, so brushed it off. 

On Monday Auston text him before practice that he didn’t need a ride after practice, that he was going to get a ride from Patty. Again, Freddie brushed it off because he knew that Patrick and Auston had a special relationship. But at practice Auston completely brushed off Freddie. In the few minutes that Auston had been in the dressing room the same time as Freddie he purposely avoid eye contact with his goalie and when Freddie went to talk to him Auston went into the trainers office when he saw Freddie walking over towards him. After practice Auston was nowhere to be found even though Patty was still at the rink. 

Auston was radio silent the rest of the day, nothing came Freddie’s way no text, no calls, no DM on Instagram, or even an invitation to play Fortnite or NHL. Freddie didn’t mind the time alone it meant that he could prepare for the game against Vegas and start to pack for the upcoming road trip. At the same time though it was weird not hearing from Auston over the past two weeks so much of his time had either been spent with Auston or in some form of communication with Auston. 

In the morning when Freddie woke up there was still nothing from Auston. The longer that there wasn’t anything from Auston the more Freddie had to convince himself that he didn’t do something to scare Auston away. He racked his mind thinking of his most recent interactions with Auston and there was nothing that stood out to him that was different from what they had been doing the past few weeks. Aside from the night that Auston had gotten injured the only real physical contact that he had with Auston was those late nights after games when the only light and noise in the room came from the TV, Auston laying on the couch inches from Freddie until Freddie began to rake his fingers through the other mans hair. Freddie never got the feeling that Auston didn’t want him to do that, rather Auston seemed to relax as soon as he placed his fingers in his hair. His shoulders would relax and his eyes would flutter close, if they weren’t already. 

It didn’t make sense to Freddie. 

At the same time, he didn’t want to push Auston. He knew that his best friend was going through a lot not only from the injury but by fans and critics to get back on the ice before he was ready. And then there was also the possibility that Freddie had did something that made Auston see that he wanted him in more than just his friend, that he Freddie was taking advantage of his injury to force something that Auston did not want. 

Which scared Freddie. 

He did exactly what he didn’t want to do. Freddie tried so hard to keep that part of him locked up when he was around Auston but he got too comfortable and let Auston see exactly what he wanted. 

Before he could even get out of bed Freddie was so worked up that he had to get out of the apartment, he had to come up with a way to show Auston that whatever he did was a one-time thing. That he didn’t want his best friend. He knew that he could just tell Auston that, but would he listen? Freddie had to do something to prove to Auston without having to say the actual words. Before he could come up with a solid idea Freddie changed into gym shorts and headed to the gym downstairs. He couldn’t do anything too strenuous that he would normally do to distract him from whatever it was on his mind because he had a game tonight, so Freddie opted for some serious stretching pushing his body just enough to distract him from Auston. By the time Freddie’s body began to ache with all of the stretching his phone had silently blown up where he left it by the speaker. 

The team’s WhatsApp group message was full of the team making plans to go out after the game tonight. It was their last night to go out before they left for the road trip, and judging by the messages everyone was at least going, to dinner and all of the non-family guys were going to hit up a club afterwards, which included Auston. The last view messages of the conversation was an exchange that started with Zach, Jake, and Naz asking Freddie if he was going. Then Mitch asking Auston if he had heard from Freddie. Auston response stunned Freddie: no I’ll ask him tho and it was followed up by he didn’t pick up man sorry. 

Exiting out of the app Freddie scrolled through his other notifications and not a single one was from Auston. He had lied to the group, making it seem as though he talked to him. 

It hurt. 

He had really messed up and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

Suddenly all the stretching he had just done had no use. Freddie was tense and jittery, to wound to even stay still on the elevator ride up to his apartment. The whole ride up Freddie contemplated what to say. Should he confront Auston? Should he just respond to the group saying he forgot his phone and was out? Should he go? Or would Auston back out if he did? He wanted Auston to go out with the boys, if probably needed it more than Freddie because he wasn’t the one that was being kept away from the team. 

I can’t make it out tonight sorry. Freddie deleted the message. Sorry guys I already have plans. Again Freddie deleted the message he typed. What was he supposed to tell the guys? Clearly Auston didn’t want to see him, so he wouldn’t make him. He’ll just tell the guys that he was going out, and maybe he would go somewhere and find someone to get his mind off Auston. 

He retypes the message he just deleted and pressed send before he could talk himself out of deleting the message again. Before seating down his phone Freddie put it on Do Not Disturb mode because he didn’t want to see how the boys responded right now. So he decided to make lunch from scratch buying up time before his pre-game nap and Netflix. By the time he finished lunch almost two hours had gone by making it a reasonable time to watch Netflix, today he opted for The Fall, in bed. 

Freddie didn’t check his phone until he had watched an episode of the show, and when finally did check there was still nothing from Auston, while the group chat tried to figure out what Freddie was going to do for a few messages they already moved on to something to do with whatever Zach had tried to make for lunch and failed at doing. Auston had even thrown in a couple of chirps. It just confirmed more what Freddie already knew, Auston was avoiding him. 

Instead of addressing the issue, maybe attempting to reach out to Auston, Freddie decided to ignore it all making sure his alarm was on before he put his phone down and watched another episode of the show until he drifted off. And when his alarm eventually went off, Freddie got straight out of bed, took a quick shower, and did anything to keep his mind off Auston. It worked until it was time to leave, Freddie went to lock up when he noticed the Leafs logoed key to Auston apartment and suddenly there was a pain that started to manifest itself in his chest. It look his breath away. But Freddie did what he had been doing for so long, he pushed the thought of the pain away and started making his way to the arena. 

He wasn’t superstitious per se but there was a routine that Freddie did before every game, so it wasn’t unlike him to not see much of the boys before the game. Today was different. Today he told the training staff that he some extra quiet to get prepared for the game, which wasn’t too unusual he did it before a lot of important games when he really needed the time to focus. Today though he did it because it meant that he wouldn’t have to see Auston, the training staff would make sure no one would go into the back room of the arena when he was back there. And Freddie knew Auston’s schedule, he would be in the locker room until about ten minutes before warm-ups started and then he would go with one of the trainer and work on conditioning for his shoulder. To make sure that he wouldn’t risk seeing Auston he made one of the guys of the training staff grab his equipment, apologized to them telling it was going to take a little longer to get his mind focused on the game. At first the guy seemed hesitant but he left without questioned. 

Freddie was in the middle of throwing a tennis ball against the wall when Steve Briere, his goalie coach, and Brian Papineau, the teams head equipment manager, walked through the door holding his pads, glove, blocker, and uniform. It confused him, the look of unease on their faces. 

“Dan told us that you wanted to get ready in here, you’ve never done that before. Is something wrong Freddie?” Steve looked concerned. 

“No sir. I had a bit of a head ache earlier and wanted to make sure I didn’t put myself in a situation where it could return.” Freddie lied through his teeth and hoped Steve couldn’t tell.

“Are you going to be ready to go? I can talk to Mike and have Sparks start tonight, we don’t want you putting yourself in a situation where you could possibly get hurt.” Steve came closer to Freddie as he spoke concern still displaying on his face. 

“I good to go, no need for Sparks to play.” Even though Freddie assured he was okay it was like Steve wasn’t listen to him. 

“You said your head was hurting right?” Freddie nodded. “Did anyone make contact with your head during the game against Pittsburgh? Have you had any symptoms of a concussion?”

“Steve I am good, it was just a headache played too loud of music this morning when I was working out and didn’t take a long nap. That’s it. And no, no one hit me in the head. I am going to be in the room after warm-up like always. I just needed the extra quiet.” With that Steve looked relieved enough to let Freddie get back to what he was doing. The pair left the room leaving Freddie to be alone with himself again.

In the back of his mind Freddie knew that he was being petty, that he should be in the room like everyone else, but he couldn’t bring himself to it. He was terrified that he ruined the best thing going for him and he hadn’t even realized that he was doing it at the time. 

So he didn’t.

There was less than ten minutes till warm-up anyways and Freddie did still have to put all of his gear on. It wouldn’t make sense for him to walk in there for only a few moments. Or at least that was one of the excuses he told himself as he was getting ready. And with five minutes before he was supposed to lead the team out for warm-ups Freddie shoved his mask down his head and opened the door. 

And standing there before the open door talking a trainer was on the one-person Freddie was hoping to avoid. Auston.


	2. Cast in Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The notes at the bottom contain spoilers so read after you read the chapter.

He didn’t move, one hand still perched on the doorknob the other balancing his blocker and glove. Rather Freddie was fixed on the brown headed man standing less than five feet away from him telling a trainer some story Freddie judged by the inflections of his voice paired with the rapid hand movements. The trainer giving Auston just enough attention while he sorted the extra tapes and waxes that were left over the past few practices and games. 

They must not have noticed the door opening as they gave no glances or attention to the goalie standing in the doorway. 

Keep going, don’t be caught staring at him making this whole thing even more awkward, don’t confirm what he’s probably already thinking. An internal battle raged in Freddie’s head between his body and his mind, one not wanting to move while the other couldn’t get away fast enough. And instead of letting the battle rage on longer Freddie made the decision, moved as quietly as he could as to not draw attention to himself. 

It almost worked. 

Freddie’s was turned facing away from Auston, glove being placed back on to the correct hand, eyes towards the boys slowly making their way out into the tunnel in the distance. 

“Hey, Fred! I was looking for you earlier, we got the box of tape that you ordered in today. Do you want a couple of rolls in you stall or do you just want us to go ahead and pack some up for the road trip.” Without having to turn around Freddie already knew who the voice belonged to. 

The trainer with Auston.

Fuck. Freddie mouthed stopping in his tracks. 

“Umm...” Freddie knew he should turn and face the man because he was just doing his job, but it meant facing Auston. Slowly without adjusting his mask Freddie turned so he could just barely see the man. “I should be good with what I have so if you would just pack some that would be great.”

“Sounds good, just let me know if you need some for the game against the Devils.” 

In the corner of his eye Freddie could see Auston. He was looking straight ahead not looking at neither man. 

“Thanks.” Just as Freddie began to turn away from the pair Auston turned his head ever so slightly to look at Freddie. And even though he saw the movement, Freddie didn’t stop he continued to walk forward. A white noise filling his ears as he walked towards the rest of the team. 

As Freddie made his way down the hallway, he could see the rest of his team filtering out the dressing room, waiting for him to lead them out but the white noise only seemed to grow. Even as he passed by them giving his customary tap with his blocker, he couldn’t hear any of them. Standing there back to the rest of the team Freddie did his routine out of memory opposed to actual purpose. And it took Naz giving him a light tap to the pads for Freddie to recognize that it was time to go.

The ice was his reprieve. As his skate hit the ice the white noise disappeared, the roar of the crowd replacing the void of noise that had cast itself over Freddie. The thought of Auston was replaced by the thought of opponents that were making their way onto the ice. 

In the games past that Auston has missed, Freddie wished to have him back on the ice. The comfort of their warm-up stretches leaving Freddie feeling as though something was missing from his warm-ups even though Morgan stepped in feeling any role that Auston played in Freddie’s routine. But now he’s relieved. Freddie has never been so happy that Morgan was taking a knee next to him, throwing out a few chirps about players on the other team. It meant that Auston was tucked away in some part of the arena promising Freddie that he wouldn’t see him till maybe the end of the game. 

As Morgan continued with this comments on the other team, Freddie looked into the crowd, the stands filled with the blue and while. Nameplates were embroidered with Tavares, Marner, Rielly, and even a few Andersen’s. But even with all of the name that lined the shoulders on fans Matthews was everywhere among the crowd. 

It was a reminder of the mistake that was looming over Freddie, threatening to take everything that he worked for down in a second. 

But it also gave him something to focus on. If Auston was going to threaten everything he worked for, Freddie needed to prove that he was more important than what was being said about him. That the team needed him to be successful, needed him to reach their ultimate goal of the cup. Freddie needed to talk to agent before this all came out, but it’d have to wait because he needed to prove himself in this moment. 

Morgan was still giving off commentary when Freddie moved into a standing position and began making his way to his spot along the blue line to get in the zone for the game. After completing his drills and stretched, Freddie watched some of the younger guys cycling the puck trying to score on Sparks and some of the older guys began leaving the ice. He followed the lead of the few guys that ranked him in aged and made his way towards the room. 

Giving a quick glance before he stepped him, checking to see if Auston was in there, he wasn’t, and walked to his stall. It wasn’t unlike him to listen to his own music, it had been awhile, but he needed to keep his focus tonight. Shaking of equipment that covered his hands, watching them bounce off the seat onto the ground, Freddie dug through his bag until he pulled out a pair of tangled headphones. Freddie hastily took off his helmet placing it at the top of his stall, grabbing his phone that laid beside it. 

Placing the now untangled headphones into his ears, Freddie turned on a mix of 2000’s hip-hop he found on Spotify earlier this season, the volume just loud enough for someone to hear that was next to him but low enough to hear anyone trying to same something important. Aside from a couple of fist bumps and pad knocks as guys went past no one tried to bother him, they just let him stare down at his pads. 

When Babs came into the dressing room to announce the line-up, he had little words for the team, telling them to start on time and don’t forget that the Knights had made it to the Stanley Cup Final to not go easy on them just because their record isn’t stellar to start the season. As expected, Freddie was getting the start, even though he noticed Steve standing at the edge of the door way casting glances at Freddie throughout Babs speech.

The game was a game. Freddie stopped all but one of the shots that the Knights put towards the net, he’s entire focus on the game instead of the issue that wanted to plague his mind. But instead of allowing it to consume him, Freddie channeled his frustration into the game, picking up the team when nothing seemed to be going right in front of him. He was working to prove to the team that they needed him when everything eventually hits the fan. 

It seemed to work. 

As Freddie headed into the dressing room, Babcock caught him by the door. 

“Freddie, once you take off your gear go ahead and hit the bike and the trainer’s room then come back here.”

“Yes, sir.” Freddie responded confusion written across his face. 

Freddie found kind of off putting but he listened to his coach and hit the bike for a few minutes before hitting the trainer for a quick massage of his calf before he went back into the room. 

After Freddie left, Babcock came into the room looking to tear some heads off, screaming on how they need to actually start the game and play good hockey, not to continue playing whatever game they had been playing the past few games. Freddie understood where he was coming from, but also saw the effort the guys put into the game night-in and night-out, it was just the ebb and flow of a hockey season. But the fresh ripping of the team riled the boys up to go out after the game even more. 

As soon as the coaches left the room a murmur grew about the plans for the evening, giving Freddie an easy excuse to be the first one in the shower which was rare because of his post-game routine, but he cherished the momentary escape from the team. 

For the most part, those teammates who hadn’t joined Freddie in the shower where scattered across the locker room in various states of un-dress. And Freddie wanting to get out before Auston could come in changed into his under armour as soon as he reached his stall. 

“Fred you sure you don’t won’t to go out with us tonight?” Mango asked from three stalls down. 

“Yeah man, I have plans for tonight. I wish I could though bro.” Freddie forced with as much fake sorrow that his voice would let him as he through his towel into the dirty pile that started to grow near the door. 

“What plans would those be?” Connor asked arching one of his eyebrows from where is stood a few stalls down. 

“Yeah.” Mitch said from across the room. “Why are you ditching us FredEx?”

A few more of the guys turned their attention towards Freddie after Mitch’s question. 

Packing the last few of his belonging up Freddie spoke. “I told you guys I have plans.” Freddie didn’t lift his eyes to match any of his teammates, rather standing up to leave the locker room for the smaller dressing room that had their suits in it. 

“And we are asking what those plans are.” John questioned. 

Freddie was at a loss for words. He didn’t actually have plans and if he gave the guys some lame excuse of a plan, he would never hear the end of it. And if Auston were to hear about it he may realize that Freddie knows that he knows that Freddie wanted him more than what they had. There was only one excuse that he could think of that they would except without too many questions. 

“I have a date.” Freddie said looking down at the ground as he walked towards the door.

“WITH WHO?” Mitch yelled as he shot up from where he was sitting. 

“It doesn’t matter who it’s with.” Freddie replied stopping right before the door. 

In unison Mitch and a few other guys disagreed. “Yes it does?”

Giving a quick look around the room, Freddie noticed all eye where on him and then looked make down at his feet. 

“A girl I hooked up with a couple times when I was with Anaheim is in town so…” It wasn’t a complete lie, a girl he was friends with in Anaheim had moved to Toronto earlier in the month and had asked Freddie if he wanted to meet up sometime. And he just might text her seeing if she wouldn’t mind going out and doing something tonight, to distract himself further from what was bound to happen with Auston. 

“Get it Freddie!” Someone jeered inside the room, which made Freddie smirk as he moved to actually walk out the door.

“We want a full report bright and early tomorrow.” Another person yelled.

Freddie still had his head down when a voice from right next to him. “A report on what?”

He would know that voice anywhere. Giving a glance upwards Freddie’s assumption was correct. There was Auston standing less than two feet away from him starring into the room. 

Freddie didn’t wait for or give a response and instead walked out of the room and down the hall before he could think of a better response. Once in the room Freddie thought about if he should actually call Elizabeth. They had become friends after he hooked up wit her one night during of Anaheim’s short playoff runs. Would it be weird for him to call her out of the blue, normally she was the one who set their plans, and it was last minute and in the middle of the week. 

Pushing all thoughts aside Freddie pulled out his phone searching his contacts for Elizabeth’s contact, and once he found it, he pressed call. 

The phone rung twice before someone answered. 

“Hey Fred, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Why’d you think something’s wrong?” 

“Umm cause you called me out of nowhere.” Elle laughed on the other end. 

“Ohm... no, sorry. I’ve been meaning to calm you since you told me you were finished moving but I got caught up in the season kicking in full force.”

“I get it, it’s not a problem. You called me now and that’s all that matters.”

“Good.” Freddie paused. “I’m actually calling to see if you wanted to do something tonight? I know it’s last minute and I get it if you can’t but I thought I’d ask.”

“Actually even though it is kind of late to ask, I have an extra ticket for this show a DJ is putting on tonight if you want to go.” 

“That sounds great!” A weight that Freddie didn’t know was on his chest lifted. “If you text me your address, I can pick you up in an hour if that works.”

“Yeah that works.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Kay, bye Freddie.”

Putting down his phone, Freddie quickly throw on his game day suit, thoughts moving at the speed of light about what he was going to wear and about the actually show. Stepping out of the room Freddie noticed a few of the guys standing around the entrance to the locker room but he paid them no attention, heading out to the garage instead. 

Pulling into his apartment Freddie looked at the messages he received during the drive, three of which were from Elle and the others were junk that didn’t need his attention right now. 

Here’s my address. The message was paired with a link to map app on his phone. 

The show starts at 11:30 but we should probably be there a little before it.

Dress casually like you did in Anaheim when you went out, that’s the vibe for the show. 

Freddie laughed at the last message and couldn’t help responding. So club clothes lol.

Looking at the clock on his phone he noted that it was already 10:30 so he needed to change quickly and leave. By the time that Freddie got into his apartment Elle had responded and he replied telling her he was leaving once he changed really quickly. 

Peering into his closet Freddie grabbed the first pair of ripped-knee black jeans that he saw and then one of his nicer graphic t-shirts. Walking into the his bathroom he stripped off his game-day suit leaving it laying on the floor to pick up later. After throwing on the clothes he just picked out, Freddie grab the hair gel that laid on the counter top styling his hair just enough that like didn’t look like he just pulled off his helmet but at the same time not look like he spent time doing his hair. Giving himself a glance over in the mirror, Freddie left the bathroom grabbed his wallet off the kitchen counter and left his apartment. 

I’m leaving my place now.

I’ll be there in like 15.

Not waiting for her response Freddie pulled out of his spot and headed for Elle’s apartment downtown. The drive surprised Freddie because of the lack of traffic that he encountered, normally going down Younge street at ten o’clock at night there was normally traffic but tonight it seemed like there was not that many people out. The radio played softly in the back ground the entire ride, the soothing voice of the broadcaster sucking Freddie’s attention into the play of the Raptors.

As he pulled up to the front of her building Freddie turned the radio down to where it could barely be heard, sending Elle a message telling her he was outside. And as he sat in the quite of his car, watching the lights further into the city twinkle, for the first time since he left the arena Freddie thought about Auston.

During their first year playing together Freddy and Auston would take turns driving each other to the games, and the nights that Freddie would drive Auston would stare out the window at the lights of the city. He marveled at the simple things making the feelings that Freddie was starting to feel start to grow as the season went on. It was a softer side of Auston that very few people get to see, and Freddie was glad that he trusted him enough to let him see it. 

He thought was interrupted by movement a few feet from the car. Looking to his right Freddie saw Elle walking out of the building. Unlocking his car, Auston opened his door so he could open the door for Elle. 

“I got it.” Elle announced a handful of feet from the car. 

Ignoring what she said Freddie continued to walk around the car and opened the door right as she stopped in front of Freddie. 

“Thanks.” She greeted Freddie with a light kiss on his cheek and a hand on his arm. 

“You look really good, Elle.” She did, Freddie looked her up and down. He remembered her being tall, but the dress she had on made her legs look like they never ended and her skin was glowing and bronze. The most noticeable thing that changed about her though was her hair was dark. Back in Anaheim her was a blonde, but now it was a deep brown. The color reminded Freddie of the color of Auston’s hair. 

“You do too Fred.” Elle took her hand off Freddie and slipped into the car. 

The drive to the club was full of them catching up, talking about all the things that has happened in the near year long time they hadn’t seen each other. Freddie learned that she had moved back to Toronto to go finish school and she had lined up an internship with Sick Kids starting in December. Freddie was happy for her, he remembered her passion for helping kids and he was glad she was able to get the job that she wanted. 

“I got the tickets from a friend, so they are supposed to be for a section in the VIP section of the club. I know a couple of people that are supposed to be there so we shouldn’t be too crowded in the general sections of the club.”

“Sounds good, I’ve come here a few times with the guys so I’m sure that I could find us a spot if you didn’t have those.” Freddie said turning on his blinker so he could pull into the valet the club had set up. 

Elle was right about the tickets being for a VIP section of the club as they were escorted to an area Freddie was familiar with because of his time here with the team. The general area of the club was packed, apparently the DJ that was performing had quite a following in Toronto, but Freddie had never heard of them so it didn’t really matter. When they reached the roped off area Elle began to introduce Freddie to the people she knew and introducing herself to those that she didn’t. 

The set began soon after the introductions, and for the most part everyone in the building started to dance to the beat including some of those in the section with Freddie. 

Freddie knew that he would be driving later in the evening so when one of the guys in the section announced he was buying everyone a drink he just asked for a beer knowing that he could nurse one or two most of the night. Elle on the other hand got caught up in the moment taking any type of alcohol that was offered to her. Freddie kept an eye on her, but also let her do her thing until she stopped drinking so much mid-way into the set. At some point though she convinced Freddie to get up and dance with her, and while he didn’t do much Elle still danced on and around Freddie. 

By the end of the set Freddie was genuinely enjoying himself, going as far as following Elle’s lead when she pressed their bodies together as the base of whatever song was on blasted through the speakers. 

Time went fast and slow at the same time. After what felt like only thirty minutes of the two dancing on each other turned out to by nearly an hour long. And looking at the clock it was already past two in the morning. 

Leaning down to whisper in her ear Freddie asked. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

Elle moved her head the front of her face getting close enough to Freddie’s that their lips were just barely touching. 

“Yeah let’s go.”

Freddie grabbed her hand and guided her to the exit of the building. 

When they got into Freddie’s car Elle moaned as she rubbed the palms of her hands into her eyes. 

“You okay?” Freddie asked concern laced into his question. 

“I’m not going to want to get up at eight for my nine am but besides that I’m good.”

“Okay.” With that Freddie pulled the car into the street and began to drive towards Elle’s apartment in silence. 

“You didn’t tell me that the rest of your team was going to be there.” Elle announced as Freddie stopped at a red light.

Freddie glanced over at her a confused look on his face. “I didn’t know that they were.”

“Well they were. I noticed like mid-way through the set, that’s why I started to get up on you. I figured you might want to give them a show.”

Stunned Freddie had no words for a handful of seconds. “No, but thanks?”

“No problems Fred. You know as much as me that we work better as friends than anything else.”

“We do, I missed you, you know. I’m glad you moved here, you get me when other don’t” Freddie didn’t know why he was getting deep but it just happened. 

“Same, we need to do something more often you just need to let me know when you are available.”

“I will.”

Nothing else was said as Freddie finished driving to her house. 

Somehow Freddie forgot what Elle said about the team being at the club on the way back to his apartment because once he laid down on the couch after changing, he was bombarded with messaged from the guys. He hadn’t been on his phone most of the night because he was interested in watching everyone around him and then he was dancing with Elle, so he didn’t really have the time. 

Freddie went to WhatsApp first because that’s where it seemed most of the messages originated from, with there being a few snapchats and actually text being a part of his notifications. Some of the guys sent individual messages but the main chat had over a hundred new messages which meant something must have happened. Scrolling to the top of the new messages the first few were about meeting up at Joso’s and then those who were going to go out were going to go to Cube. Which reminded Freddie of what Elle has said about his teammates being at the club. Freddie hadn’t even seen any of them, which struck him as weird because normally one of the guys is always causing a show whenever they go out. 

As Freddie scrolled through the conversation there were a few messages chirping the older guys that left to go home after eating, while the others informed each other of their Uber’s location. 

Suddenly there was a grainy looking video attached to the conversation so Freddie clicked on it. The video was dark for the first few seconds and then suddenly it was on Elle dancing up on Freddie with his hands on her hips. As the video went on their faces got closer together and from the angle the video was taken from it looked at those they may be kissing, which Freddie knew they weren’t, it still looked like they were. 

Then suddenly the video planned to some of the guys. Mango, Kappy, and Mitch were all grinning and then there was a few other guys not paying attention. But then there was Auston. 

He was stone faced staring in the direction of Freddie and Elle. He was unmoving even as the guys around him were moving all about. 

It sent a chill down Freddie’s back. He’d never seen that look on Auston’s face before and he didn’t know how to feel about it. He didn’t know if I wanted to know how he felt about it. So like he had the whole day, he ignored it. Walked into is room, three his phone on its charger and went to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the plan I had going into writing this chapter because I originally go to sum over the lead up to the game and have Freddie just go home, but as I was writing it I felt like Freddie going out and not knowing that the team was as the same club would work better for the storyline. 
> 
> Let me know any ideas or things you might want to see/change if I write some more.


	3. Far From Comfort

There were endless streams of light poring across his bed as the morning made itself known within the darkness of Freddie’s bedroom. The light was accompanied by a slight warmth that was easily welcome in the arctic like state the bedroom was currently existing in. There was an absence of noise that coexisted in the early moments of the morning before the world was truly awake. And even as the silent noises turned into distant sounds of the neighbors around him beginning their day, Freddie remained in bed, not wanting to emerge into the changed world around him. 

For the peaceful morning that surrounded him as he laid in bed, it was a stark comparison to the dark and fitful night that he had awaken from hours ago. The chirping of the birds perched on the ledges of windows paired with the stead sounds of traffic were soothing, a welcome change from the dreams filled with stern voices and jeers from voices he couldn’t place. Some of the voices that filled his dreams were attached to the faces of those that meant the most to him, his teammate, the coaches, especially management. All the dreams that plagued him were the same, the team valuing Auston more than Freddie, casting Freddie aside as a distraction not wanting him to destroy what they had managed to build. All the while Freddie pleading that they had it all wrong, he wasn’t what they thought, that he wouldn’t be a distraction in the room. In the dreams it wasn’t enough, they traded him to a team that was desperate enough for a goalie that they would take on the burden of what he was in their locker room. The dream that kept Freddie up, was the most vivid of them all. 

He was in net for Colorado, facing the Leafs for the first time since they dealt him. The Avs players were for the most part trying to protect Freddie in their net, but it wasn’t enough, his former teammates were playing dirty, adding extra blows after whistles, playing extra physical in the crease. But Freddie felt used to it, it was a normal, even though the comments cut deeper than those of everyone else around the league. It was late in the third period, the game was tied, Freddie was had just gotten back in his net after playing the puck from behind the net to Mackinnon in front of him when suddenly the position changed and all of the players were rushing towards Freddie. It looked like any other play, the puck going into the corner, Freddie guarding the left side of the net, looking at the play in front of him. When suddenly there was a blow to the side of his head then a blur of white and blue passed him. Dropping to the ice, grabbing his head as pain started to radiate everywhere, Freddie could see Landeskog dropping his gloves, trying to go at it with whoever hit him. Freddie couldn’t hear anything, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away, he needed to see who had hit him. As he felt a trainers hand on his shoulder, Freddie saw the blue number 34 on the sleeve as he went to return a blow to Landeskog. It was Auston. He had hit him. Rolling on to his back Freddie closes his eyes, and the next thing he saw as the concrete ceiling on the tunnel, trainers and doctors standing above him. It didn’t make sense to Freddie, but in his dream, there was also a TV in front of him, replaying the hit over and over at different angles, focusing on the way Auston moved. In the final clip of the hits, the camera zoomed in on Auston’s face as Landeskog pushed him against the wall. It was the same cold look that he had in the video was attached to the group message. The end of the clip was Auston staring into the camera. 

Freddie woke with a chill down his back, a feeling of unease taking over his body. He hadn’t known what time it was, but even if it was still early there was no way he was going to be able to fall back asleep. So instead, he resorted to the next best thing, staring at the ceiling. There were many nights after tough losses that he found himself doing the same thing, being awoken after too many dreams of the bad goal that he let him while the disappointed faces of his teammates looked on at him. Freddie got acquainted with the ridges that lined his ceiling, long past finding all the different patterns, no he simply just stared at what’s above him, clearing his mind of everything that kept him awake during the night. 

There was something deep inside of him, wanting to force its way out but Freddie kept it down, knowing that as soon as he allowed himself to dwell on the issue that it would overcome him. It would change just about everything in his life, and that was just something that he did not want to happen. Who would want it to happen? Freddie sighed internally as the thought crept further into the front of his mind. The thing about the thought that was creeping its way across his mind was that it was inevitable to ignore the issue. As soon as he had to go to the rink it would be there, a glaring reminder of the exact thing that kept Freddie up during the night. 

Although the team didn’t have practice today, a lot of the guys would probably be going to the arena to get some work done after last night’s game, meaning that Freddie didn’t have to go to the practice, didn’t have to risk possibly facing his fears, there was something picking a fight with everything else Freddie’s brain was telling him. It was telling him to go, face it before it is too late, before Auston had the chance to change his whole life. Before he didn’t have a chance to explain that it wasn’t like whatever Auston thought it was. But at the same time Freddie thought of what if it doesn’t work, what if Auston didn’t believe what I have to say? 

Would it be worth it, Freddie getting shipped out of Toronto just because he wanted to tell Auston something? Auston probably won’t even believe what I have to say. Why would he? He has plenty of evidence showing that I wanted to be more than friends. All he wanted was to watch movies and unwind after PTing for hours on end and I had to go and start rubbing his head and getting in his space. Apparently past the phase of the morning where he thought about anything other than Auston. It wasn’t like he was going to ask me to stop, we’re friends he probably didn’t want to make thing awkward. 

Freddie turned to lay on his side, staring out to the world outside his room through the cracks in the partly closed blinds. Next to his bed, almost in his current line of sight was the dark wooden slab that had the time lightly projected on the surface. Knowing the time meant that Freddie would have to decide what he wanted to do, if he was going to stay or go. Putting aside the fear he had, Freddie gave a look at the time. It was already well past nine, meaning that by the time Freddie would even leave his apartment it would be pushing 10:30 or eleven. There wasn’t any point of going, Freddie didn’t want to put any of the trainers out, forcing them to stay later in the day when Freddie didn’t actually need anything done. 

The time also meant that Freddie hadn’t gotten much sleep over the course of the night, and the sleep he did get was full of dreams. A day off is meant for rest. Freddie thought, looking closer at the nightstand next to his bed. If I sleep some more that counts as rest, the trainers would probably like that more than if I wasted time just talking to them. Rationalizing his next action in his head, Freddie reached out and opened the drawer. Inside the drawer were among other things, two pill bottles that the team doctor had given him earlier in the season when he had an issue with his knee. One bottle was pain meds that he barely used, the other bottle was sleeping meds that Freddie used more than he would like to admit. The sleeping medicine had noticeable less pills in it than the pain meds, making it easy for Freddie to tell the difference between the two bottles. 

Grabbing two pills out of the bottle, Freddie discarded it back into the drawer and proceeded to swallow the pills without any water. 

Readjusting himself into a comfortable position in bed, Freddie laid on his stomach head buried deep into a pillow and waited for the medicine to kick in.  
\----  
There were two noised that were happening at the same time, but only one of them actually was responsible for waking Freddie up. The loud rumble of his stomach paired with the slight ache from the same area woke Freddie out of his deep sleep. His room was noticeable less dark than it was when he fell asleep, the streaks of light casting half the light the once were. From what Freddie could tell, in the half-blurred vison from sleep, there were dark clouds looming over the city, blocking out the warmth the streams once were casting over the room. Looking at the clock beside him, Freddie was startled by the time, it was just after five in the afternoon, he had slept the day away. 

Sitting up in bed Freddie rubbed a hand across his face, wiping the sleep from his eyes. And as he scanned the room, looking for something he did not know yet, Freddie stretched his arms out, body releasing tension from being left in the same position for hours on end. Just as Freddie began to arch is back into a stretch, his body made a cracking sound loud enough to drown out the sound of the front door lock unlocking. 

Hoisting legs to the side of the bed, Freddie dropped his interlocked hands between his knees looking more closely out of the window.

“You’re alive!” A voice exclaimed from behind Freddie. 

Startled by the sudden voice that was in his house when no one should be, Freddie stood quickly turning to look to see who the voice belonged to. 

“Morgan, what are you doing here?” Freddie questioned, taken aback seeing his teammate standing in his doorway. 

“Making sure you were still alive Fred. Guys have been texting and calling all day and were getting worried since you weren’t responding.” Riely looked around Freddie’s room, taking in the crumpled sheets on the bed and Freddie’s nearly naked appearance.  
“I just got up, I didn’t hear any of the notification.” Freddie moved across the room, grabbing his phone from the opposite bedside table. 

“It’s five o’clock. And you just got up?”

Ignoring Morgan for a brief moment, Freddie scrolled through the notifications that had taken over his lock screen. He had dozens of missed called from his teammates and even some from other members of the organization paired with countless numbers of text messages. 

Looking up from his phone, Morgan now only a couple of feet away from him, meaning Freddie could see the concern written across his face. 

“Yeah, I umm…” Freddie paused, bringing his hand to rub the back of his neck. “It’s an off day you know, so I decided I would just rest and I must have slept longer than I thought.”

“I know you Freddie, someone talking two rooms down in a hotel will wake you up, and you’re telling me you slept through not only all of us trying to get a hold of you. But also when Mitch came over earlier and knocked on your door for like twenty minutes, you didn’t hear that?” Morgan’s voice became sterner as he went on.

“What can I say? I was tried.” Freddie tried to joke but it fell flat across the little space between them. 

“What’s going on Fred?” The sound of concern matched the look of concern that was still plastered on Morgan’s face. 

“Nothing.” As soon as he said it Freddie knew he had responded too fast. 

“There’s something going on Freddie. You’ve been distant recently, we’ve barely seen or even heard from you in the locker room. Auston told me that you guys hadn’t talked much recently, which definitely means something is wrong because you guys can barely go two minutes without some form of communication with each other.”

“I’ve just been busy recently.” That’s not a total lie, Freddie thought, busy worrying about Auston controlling my career. 

“Doing what?” 

“That’s none of your business.” It came out harsh, not how Freddie wanted it to. 

“It is when it is affecting the team.”

“What are you talking about? I am not affecting the team, I am keeping this team afloat since you guys don’t know how to start a game till half way in.”  
What am I doing? Freddie internally questioned, am I trying to start something with Mo?

“I’m just going to ignore that and give you another opportunity for you to tell me what is going on with you.” There was a slight look of disappointment in his eyes, but it paled to the look of annoyance that had taken the look of concern off Morgan’s face. 

“Nothing is going on. I couldn’t sleep last night and since I knew we had the day off I took something this morning to try and get some more sleep. I didn’t think it would knock me out for so long, and I didn’t think it’d end up with a teammate jumping down my throat.” Freddie backed up as he spoke.

“What did you take?” 

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.” Morgan was stern in his reply. 

“Why?”

“Why does it matter? It matters because I worried something is wrong with you Fred, you haven’t been acting like yourself. And now you said you’re taking medicine to make you sleep… I just want to make sure…”

Freddie cut him off.

“Make sure I’m what? Not downing pain meds? Not self-medicating with booze? I’m not that stupid…”

“I didn’t say…” Freddie cut him off again.

“I didn’t work every day of my life to get where I am today just to throw it away! I work harder than all of you guys combine, and yet when the team is bad it’s because of me but when the team is good it’s because you guys are so good. My career is so wrapped up in Auston and Mitch and you, and everyone else on the team. It’s like I have no control over what I want to do, it is up to Auston or whoever else wants to decide what happens to me. And this city! I can’t do anything right. I can’t live the life I want to live because I would be picked apart every time I stepped outside.” 

It was like a dam broke inside Freddie, and he staggered back to sit on the bed he had just gotten up from. All the fears that had kept him up and had distracted him for days came out in waves. And Morgan just so happened to be in front of those waves. 

“Fred…” Morgan began.

“Please don’t. I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. I am just tired and a little stressed right now, and I guess it just all came out.”

There was silence between them. Freddie kept his eyes cast down on the floor, while Morgan watched the goalie in front of him. 

“The sleeping meds I took are in the other bedside table.” Freddie spoke up, breaking the silence. “Paul had Noah prescribe me them a while back when my knee was bothering me, I couldn’t sleep much. I didn’t use them much when I had prescribed them, but I take a couple every now and then when I just can’t sleep.”

“Why can’t you sleep Fred?” Morgan’s voice was sincere, as he leant against the doorway.

Freddie hung his head, not having the words or the courage to really say what was going on. 

“I just have a lot going on right now, it’s nothing really.”

“You sure?” Morgan moved to sit near Freddie on his bed. The movement caused Freddie to turn his head to the left to look at him. But before Freddie could reply, Morgan continued. “You can talk to me if there is something going on.”

“Thanks man,” Freddie gave a weak smile. “I think it’s something I have to work through myself.”

“I get that, just remember that I’m here if you want to talk about it, or you wanted to do something to forget about it.” As he spoke Morgan placed a reassuring hand on Freddie’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze as he finished speaking. 

Even though Freddie had years on him, in that moment it seemed like Morgan had the experience and pose that can with age, that Freddie didn’t even feel like he posed being five years his friend senior. 

There was an extended pause between the two men, both staring at different parts of the room, not daring to break the silence that had settled between them. Freddie glanced around his room, wondering what Morgan could be possible thinking of. There was nothing incriminating lying around his room, why would there be? Freddie questioned himself as to why he would think of such a thing. In fact, Freddie’s bedroom was quite non-descript if you asked him. 

There were no pictures lining his walls that he knew other’s his age had. His room was filled if warm, gray-toned furniture that reminded Freddie of his home in Denmark. Where the rest of his apartment was cool and industrial, Freddie’s bedroom was inviting, making him never wanting to leave the comfort of the room. 

The presence of his teammate on his bed left Freddie questioning how he felt about what was happening. He had guys over to his apartment before, but besides the odd run to the bathroom when the hall one was being used, none of them stayed in his bedroom for an extended amount of time. It felt out of place. The more that he mulled over the thought, the more Freddie realized that he never wanted any of his teammates in his room. Well none besides Auston. Freddie could see him pinning Auston down to his bed, exploring every inch of his body while Auston gave of soft, raspy moans, pleading for Freddie to do more. The thought made Freddie go red, Morgan all of a sudden to close for comfort.

“Hey,” Freddie began to stand, putting space between him and Morgan. “thanks for coming by. You didn’t have too.”

“Anytime, just don’t worry us like that again, I might not come and look for you again.” The chuckle that came out of Morgan’s mouth broke the tension that had been cast over the room. 

Morgan followed Freddie out of his bedroom and into the kitchen, watching as he bent over to grab a water from the fridge. Looking to where he was standing, Freddie could tell there was something that Morgan wanted to ask.

“What’s up man?” Freddie questioned before downing half of the bottle of water he had just opened. 

There was a pause before he answered. “What’s going on between you and Auston?”

And there’s the million-dollar question, Freddie internally droned. 

“There’s nothing going on between me and Auston. Why would you ask that?” As soon as the words escaped Freddie’s mouth a panic rose through his body. Did Auston tell Morgan that Freddie wanted him? That Freddie wasn’t actually into whatever girl he may be with at the time? That secretly Freddie wanted his teammate, that Freddie would watch him in the locker room when no one was watching? Because he didn’t, besides the odd couple of glances when Auston would be yelling at him from across the room Freddie never crossed that line. There was a time and place for long wishful stares, but the locker room wasn’t the place.

“He just mentioned that you guys hadn’t been talking much when I ran and got the key from him when he was with the trainers. And after he said that I remembered that I guess I have noticed that you guys hadn’t been in the same room with each other for more than a few seconds, let alone hang out with each other the past few days. It’s just strange that’s all.”

“You know how he is,” Freddie paused trying to find something besides straight up lying to his friend. “he gets cranky the longer he does PT so I’m just giving him some space, plus I have been busy doing some other stuff.”

“You mean busy doing other people.” Morgan smirked, “I saw you with that girl last night Freddie. Get it man, she’s hot. And you’re right about Auston, he about chewed my head off last night when I tried to get him to drink something to loosen him up some.”

Freddie let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding. Even though he knew that he was the reason for Auston being short with Morgan, at least he hadn’t told Morgan why he was actually upset, why he and Freddie hadn’t been hanging out the past couple of days. 

“He should be back to himself in the next few days, Babs is letting him go on the roadie, so he should be back to himself during the trip.” 

“I hope so man. I’m going to head out man, text the guys letting them know you’re alive please.” Morgan began to walk towards the door, pausing before the countertop ended. “Can you give Auston this back, you’ll probably see him before I do.” He slid the key that Freddie had given Auston when he first moved into his place.

“Ummm, sure.” Freddie didn’t want to tell him that he wasn’t actually been talking to Auston, well Auston wasn’t talking to him. But he just wanted to be alone.

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Freddie moved to close the door behind Morgan, phone still in hand so that he could text the group chat. Sending a quick text saying that Morgan told him to tell them that he was alive, Freddie moved to lay on the couch, clicking on the TV as he scrolled through his phone trying to figure out what he was going to order to eat. He ignored the stream of notifications that came across his phone as he placed his order for some Thai food. Scrolling through the newest messages, it was a lot of the same either boys sending some type of chirp or already asking about who Elle was and why he hadn’t shown her the boys before. Freddie laughed, if they only knew, he thought.

He responded to the text: It’s nothing serious… we’ve only seen each other a couple of times. 

Seen each other?!? In what way? Cause from what I saw it didn’t look like you guys do much talking. It was like Mitch had nothing better to do, replying instantly to Freddie’s response. 

Whatever I’m not talking about this. Freddie replied.

A few moments went by then there was a picture from the video that was sent last night, showing Freddie and Elle pressed against each other. Freddie turned his phone off, not wanting to see the responses that the picture got. Instead he turned to watch the TV. 

It had been a few hours since his food had arrived, and Freddie was already ready to go back to bed even though he had been up for the past five hours or so. Turning the lights off in the living room, Freddie grabbed his laptop queuing up Netflix and laid in bed. The movie he turned on was something that he had watched with Auston, but he couldn’t really remember much about the movie because he had been focused on Auston. 

There was a point in the movie that struck out to him, the character had just been told that he would need surgery and his family was scared that he wouldn’t survive it. Auston’s head had been on Freddie’s lap, Freddie’s fingers running through the soft curls. He adjusted his head so that he could look up into Freddie’s eyes. 

“What if that happens to me?” Auston questioned softly.

“What if what happens to you?”

“What if my shoulder is worse than they thought, what if I have to get surgery and then I would be the same.” 

“That’s not going to happen to you. You’re going to be fine and we are going to win it all together.” Freddie stared deep into Auston’s eyes, hoping his message was conveyed. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Auston didn’t turn his back to face the screen, rather he just closed his eye, slowly falling to sleep. 

The memory distracted Freddie just like Auston did the night that they had originally watched the movie. 

Freddie’s mind slipped back to the thought he had earlier in the day. Auston was laid out on his bed, smiling lazily at Freddie. His lean muscles were relaxed but he still looked strong. Freddie was standing at the foot of his bed smiling down at Auston.

“Aren’t you going to come here?” Auston questioned a sly smirk spreading across his face.

He didn’t respond, instead he sat on the open side of the bed, Auston making a displeased noise that Freddie wasn’t paying him any attention. Freddie smiled, he loved working Auston up. But before he could do anything else Auston was pulling him down, straddling Freddie’s waist pushing their bodies incredibly close to each other. Their chest were touching, Freddie could feel Auston’s chest move as he breathed in and out, their faces close enough that Freddie could see the faintest of freckles that lined the tops of Auston’s checks after he sent the whole summer outside. But Freddie didn’t want to focus on that, rather he focused on his lips, wondering how good they would feel against his own. He was so lost in Auston that he didn’t even register his own hand raising to graze his thumb across Auston’s bottom lip. In an instant Auston closed the space between them, kissing him softly but still filled with passion. The slow kisses turned into frantic movements, Auston trying to get sometime of friction between the two of them.

Fuck. Freddie internally groaned. He was uncomfortably hard in his shorts. He knew it was wrong, that his best friend, his teammate, shouldn’t make him this hard. That he shouldn’t get off to the thought of making out with his best friend. It was wrong. 

But he couldn’t help it, he slipped his hand past the waistband of his shorts, his mind slipping back to the thought of Auston on top of him. He was strong, Auston grinding down on him made Freddie moan out in pleasure, pulling Auston even closer to his chest. 

He came faster than he would like to admit. Freddie got up fast, wondering what he had just done. Staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, throwing the washrag into the sink, why had he done that. He could never come back from that. Freddie cursed himself mentally, he had gotten off to the thought of his friend. The same friend that was about to cost him his job because Freddie wanted him. 

For the first time since he realized what Auston was going to do Freddie was relieved, it meant that he wouldn’t have to see his best friend after what he just did. Wouldn’t have to pretend that everything was the same. 

Because it wasn’t. He wanted Auston, but he knew he would never be able to have him. So the next best thing was to leave to get away from it all. Freddie wasn’t made at Auston any more, he was glad that Auston was going to do what he was going to do. 

It meant that Freddie could start over, not have to worry about being in love with his teammate anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a lot longer to write this chapter than I originally planned for, but I got it done no the less. Let me know if there's anything you think might add to the story, or if you have anything to saw at all. Thanks for reading!


	4. when the world turns upside down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished this chapter and wanted to go ahead and post it because it's been awhile, so I haven't had time to really check and edit it for any mistakes. I'll fix mistakes in the next few days when I have time. Thanks for reading through any mistakes there may be :)

It was as though everyone already knew when Freddie walked into the room the next morning, there were silent whispers shared between stall mates, quick glances around the room. There was an abundance of quietness that was normally reserved for after particularly hard losses, or news that no one wanted to hear. But everyone that was supposed to be in the room was there, and there were no rumors spread across messages about any type of changes. The only thing that Freddie could think of was Auston told them everything. But why would he? Freddie knew Auston, they were best friends, they told each other everything, well almost everything in the case of Freddie. It wouldn’t be like Auston to tell the guys something like that, he would keep it to himself, and make those that he had to tell swear that they wouldn’t tell anyone else. Then again, they never went through anything like your best friend pinning over you for god knows how long, pretending like there was nothing more than just a normal friendship between them. Freddie thoughts soured as he bent down to pull up his socks so that he could start to put his gear on. 

As he became more focused on getting ready for practice, the noise around Freddie began to grow. The momentary silence that Freddie had stepped into was gone, replaced with the normal noise that was accompanied with getting ready to practice. But there were still many quick glances in the direction of Freddie’s stall, followed by murmured whispers that Freddie could not quite place. It was causing his paranoia to mount, growing with each glance across the room. 

“What’s going on?” Freddie leaned closer to his partner in goal, dropping his voice so only the two of them could hear it. 

“Nothing, why?” Garrett answered with his own question. 

“I just feel like the guys keep staring at us.” Freddie deflected his own paranoia to make it seem like the issue was both of theirs not just his own. 

“Nah, they are probably just waiting for Babs to come in. He apparently ripped them pretty hard after last game when he told us to cool off somewhere else.”

His response made sense, Mike did seem pretty heated after the game.

“I totally forgot about that. Hopefully he isn’t to brutal today.” Freddie replied after a few moments of thought. 

“Hopefully, one of my buddies convinced me to do CrossFit with him yesterday and man, can I feel it. Like my abs have never hurt more man, it’s crazy. I’m sticking to the normal gym from now on.” Freddie couldn’t help but laugh as the younger goalie made exaggerated faces of pain when he twisted around. 

“Maybe I should tell Babs to start you tonight?” Freddie joked.

“Please don’t. This is like the only time I wouldn’t ask to start.”  
“You owe me.” Freddie joked again, turning back into his stall to finish getting ready.

As time ticked closer and closer to practice, their head coach never made his appearance in the room, rather it was one of their assistants that told the guys that they needed to be on the ice in five. 

When Freddie stood to grab his helmet there was muffled laughs from behind but he gave them no mind, proceeding to finish getting ready. As he pulled down his helmet there was suddenly some type of liquid pouring all over him, the guys around him busted out in a laugh barely able to control themselves. 

“Very funny.” Freddie said in a monotoned voice, wiping the mystery liquid off of his face. “What even was that?” Freddie added, the liquid leaving his face feeling sticky. 

“Mitch made it so probably Mountain Dew.” Garrett said from next to him, trying is best to contain his smile when Freddie looked in his direction. 

“You knew about this?” 

“Someone had to be the lookout.” His voice was filled with a smile that spread across his face as he walked away from Freddie towards the door that lead to the ice. 

“Next time don’t let us think some random girl killed you after you go out without telling us anything.” Morgan said throwing a towel at Freddie as he passed him. 

“Will do.” Freddie replied deadpanned. 

As the rest of the guys made their way out the room some of them gave Freddie pats on the back and congrats on landing Elle, while others scolded him for being too easy to prank. John told him he would let the coaches know what happened, giving time for Freddie to change and get his equipment wiped down. Their comments were a relief to Freddie, drastically different from what he had anticipated them to be when he walked into the room. I should probably talk to Auston before any of that comes to fruition, the thought just crossed his mind when Freddie noticed a shadow stopping beside him. 

He should have expected it be Auston the way his luck had been going, but Freddie was still taken aback when he lifted his head to see Auston standing there, mere feet away. It was the closes they had been in almost two weeks. Almost a welcoming site, neither of them putting additional distance between the other, trying to escape whatever was happening between them. 

“Hey.” Freddie said quietly, searching Auston’s face trying to figure out what he may thinking, but not getting far because of the stony look that was settled across Auston’s entire demeanor. Freddie had seen Auston look like that before, but it was never directed towards him, rather members of the press or fans that took things one step too far when they would see them in public. He didn’t know how to act. 

It wasn’t until Freddie looked away, unable to withstand Auston’s glaring eyes anymore that Auston actually spoke up. 

“You really let Mitch get you like that?” Freddie cut his eyes to watch Auston as he spoke. “He’s never going to let you live it down.” Even though what Auston was saying was light, his words were weighted down with the tension that was mounting between them. 

“I was preoccupied thinking about something else.” As soon as the words left Freddie’s mouth, he wished that he could have changed them. Please don’t read into that, it makes me sound like I was thinking about him, which I was, but if he knew that it would only make things more awkward. 

“Mo keeps telling me that you have been distracted lately.”

What is that supposed to mean? Freddie wondered. Was it Auston confirming he knew what Freddie was thinking about without saying those exact words? Or was it just a statement, one teammate telling his injured friend what he was missing in the room?

“Umm…” He honestly didn’t know how to respond to what Auston had just said. And Auston must have caught on because his demeanor changed to something that bordered on nerves and regret. 

“Not in like a bad way you know, like, during the playoffs when you want to focus and you go into the rooms by yourself and all. But like it’s not the playoffs, so Mo thought you just couldn’t focus or something.” Auston was rambling, cheeks turning red as he tried to explain himself to Freddie. 

It was a complete 360 in emotions given off by Auston and it was a shock to Freddie’s system, nothing in him knew how to respond. Auston had gone from barely interacting with him for days to coming up to him dead faced, to now acting like it was any other day. 

“Yeah… I have to get going before Babs gets too mad.” Freddie knew he should have said something else, ask what Auston was planning on doing, but he could bring himself to do it. Rather he just escaped the situation like his career couldn’t possibly be on the line. 

Instead of replacing his jersey that had whatever concoction that Mitch concocted across the front of it, Freddie gave his face one last wipe and threw the towel onto of others that were already forming a pile in the corner of the room. Beside him Auston had not moved, still standing only a couple of feet away as Freddie checked the inside of his mask before placing on his head. Even as Freddie stepped away from his stall, about to make his way down the hall to the ice Auston remained unmoved, staring at Freddie with the cold expression returning to his face, but there was something more to his expression. There was a hint of unease in Auston eyes, signifying to Freddie that they were exactly in the situation that he thought they were in. 

Freddie didn’t need Auston to tell him anything, he could tell from his body language exactly what he was think, he knew him too well. Auston didn’t want to be there. Be in the locker room with Freddie. He was waiting for Freddie to leave so that he could finish doing whatever it may have been that he went into the locker room for. Freddie scolded himself, for a brief second, he let himself think that Auston was lingering near him because he had something to say to him, but in reality, it was just because Freddie’s stall was the closest to the door, Auston just didn’t want to be in the room alone with Freddie. 

And Freddie was okay with that. Or at least he told himself that he was okay with that. Could anyone really be okay with his best friend to completely cut off contact with them not matter what the circumstances were? Auston could have at least talked to Freddie about it instead of just blowing him off and avoiding him. But what could Freddie do? Talk to him? Would that actually make anything better? From the looks of it now, no. Freddie thought, putting even more space between him and Auston, holding out just the slightest hope that Auston would say anything before he had to leave. 

They held each other’s gaze, second ticking by like minutes. Auston had his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on it, making his whole lip turn an angry red. A lump was forming in Freddie’s throat the longer the silence went on between them, the tension so thick that it could be cut with a knife. 

“I should probably go...” Freddie broke the silence and eye contact concurrently, stepping completely around Auston in the doorway within seconds of finishing his statement. He was already half way down the hallway before he was stopped.

“Freddie wait!” The statement came out of Auston’s mouth almost as a plea, desperate to make Freddie stay in that moment. 

I took all of Freddie to resist Auston, every bone in his body telling him to turn around, but it was too late. Freddie had given him the time to talk, he had given him the space to think about it, and now he’ll give him the opportunity to do whatever he wanted with Freddie’s secret. 

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” 

Giving a glance over his shoulder, Auston had followed him into the hallway but Freddie was at his limit.

“I really can’t.”

Without second thought, Freddie turned closing the distance between him and the ice. If Auston said anything else Freddie would never know, the blood rushing in his ears muffled everything around him. 

The anger that had bubbled in him during his encounter with Auston paid off well during practice, Freddie stopping everything that was thrown his way. If it was a game Freddie would be vying for a shutout. 

At some point during practice Auston made his way onto the bench, watching the team, giving no glances towards Freddie. From his net Freddie watched as teammates made small talk with Auston when they went to the bench for a drink. But there was one conversation that stood out to Freddie. When Mo had went over to the bench, whatever was said between the two wasn’t a joke between teammates. Mo seemed pissed off my whatever Auston had told him, shaking his head when he skated off towards Freddie. 

Trying to make it seem as though he wasn’t just watching the interaction between Mo and Auston, Freddie dropped into a stretching position, hoping it looked like he had just finished getting a drink of water to Mo. But as his friend neared it didn’t look like that would be the case, Morgan carried the pissed off look that he had with Auston over to Freddie. 

“What are you doing?” His tone was harsh.

“Stretching.” Freddie responded sarcastically hoping to defuse the situation.

“What are you doing with Auston?”

“Nothing?” 

Fuck. So Auston did tell someone. Freddie’s mind was racing, was this how his time with the Leafs going to end? Morgan confronting him on the ice, exposing Freddie to the whole team. He knew Auston wouldn’t do something like that, but it didn’t mean the people he told wouldn’t.

“Then why does he keep telling me that you’re blowing him off whenever he comes near you?”

Freddie cringed at the word choice, wondering if Morgan was trying to make him uncomfortable by dragging the inevitable question out.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about man.”

Freddie backed further into his net, looking at the rest of the team down the ice.

“Freddie... there’s something going on. All of us can see that, you go from being basically attached to the hip to not even talking to each other. We see that, so what it wrong?” Morgan’s voice was sincere, a spark difference from what if was seconds ago. And when Freddie looked at his face, the anger was gone.

“There’s nothing going on Mo, I told you that yesterday. Auston’s just been moody recently because of the injury, and just don’t want to be around that, not when I can be with anyone else that isn’t acting like his career is about to be over.” Freddie hoped it was enough to get Morgan off his back.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?” 

Freddie was kind of over it, can you just ask the question already? Freddie wanted to scream, he turned back to look down the ice preparing himself for what was about to happen. 

“Just talk to him, please. He needs you right now even his he acts like he doesn’t, you’re like his crutch or something man.” As Morgan finished Freddie had to hide the shock that was trying to make itself known.

Out of all the scenarios that had ran through his head, none of them were anywhere near what had just happened. He was so sure that Mo was going to oust him for liking Auston, but he hadn’t. So Auston may not have told anyone, he kept it to himself.

But it didn’t make sense. Morgan said Auston kept telling him that Freddie was avoiding him, but that was far from the truth. Auston was the one that started to ignore Freddie, Freddie had reached out but every time he did Auston distanced himself even more. Was Auston trying to confront Freddie about it? Did he want to see Freddie’s reaction when he told him he knew about Freddie’s feelings and that he didn’t feel the same? Did he want to tell him face to face that he didn’t want to play on the same team with Freddie?

“Fred.”

Freddie’s head snapped to the side when Morgan spoke, he had forgotten about him.

“Yeah. Sure, sorry I got caught up in what Kappy was doing down there.” Morgan turned his head to see what Freddie was talking about, he himself getting caught up watching the drill.

“Thanks, we need him to heal as quick as possible. And we all know that he’ll come back too soon if someone isn’t there to stop him.” As he completed his sentence Morgan began to stride down the ice towards the rest of their teammates. 

Morgan was right, but that didn’t mean that Freddie was going to talk to Auston right now. If he had to decide when his time with the Leafs was going to end, it would be after he ate and had a couple of drinks. 

As practice went on Freddie blocked all of the shot that were thrown his way, making lighthearted jokes with the guys about them not being able to score on him, all the while keeping an eye on the bench and Morgan in case Auston made another appearance. Just as practice began to wind down Mike approached Freddie in his crease. 

“Fred how are you?”

“Good sir.” 

“That’s good. It looks like Auston is going to come out here at the end of practice and skate for a bite test out his shoulder. You don’t have too, but I’m sure he’d like to take a couple shots on you, won’t hurt to have a friendly face on the ice with him.” Mike’s voice was sincere making it almost impossible for Freddie to deny. 

“I didn’t know he was that far along...” Freddie began. 

“The trainers gave him the go ahead to do it this morning.”

“Oh, ummm sure I’ll stay for a bit.” This was Freddie’s chance to talk to Auston and have an easy escape plan if it was needed. 

“Thanks Fred, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.” With that Mike skated back towards the center of the ice. 

Freddie stayed on the ice even as he watched the rest of his teammates slowly trickle away, excusing themselves to the locker room to get ready to get ready to take a pregame nap. But as he watched them go off one by one there was a calmness that settled over Freddie. It was strange but at the same time it seemed so normal. None of his teammates knew and there was no one who was going to tell them. Because he was going to face Auston before he could do anything. Everything in him was yelling at him to leave to go it after the game but Freddie wanted to get it over with, he knew that if he waited that he was just going to drink himself into not doing it, he was just going to delay the inevitable. 

Once everyone was off the ice and all that remained were the coaching staff, Freddie knew that Auston would be out at any moment. Dropping into a stretch Freddie kept a watchful eye on the bench waiting for Auston to come out. 

It was an involuntary response, the smile that spread across Freddie’s face when he saw the smile that was plaster across Auston’s face when he stepped onto the ice. His whole demeanor changed from a pint up tension to that of relief. 

Auston did long lazy laps around the rink, watching Freddie every time that he passed by his net. Auston’s eye’s didn’t meet Freddie’s, but Freddie could feel Auston’s eyes on his bo¬¬¬¬¬¬dy. Neither of them acknowledge to each other that they wanted the other’s presence on the ice, but rather the rink was filled with quietness, the soft murmurs of the coaching staff not even enough to make an impact on the massive space. It wasn’t until Steve came over from where he was huddled with the other coaches that Freddie’s attention turned from Auston.

“We’re going to do some of our own stuff until Auston is ready to shoot on you in a few minutes.” His goalie coach wrangled a few pucks towards the point will directing Freddie. “Let’s work of stopping pucks coming short-side from the point, yeah?”

“Sounds good.”

Even though Freddie wanted to watch Auston, Steve wasn’t holding back on him. He had to have all of his focus on what the older man in front of him was about to do instead of the younger man that was also in front of him was doing. But as Steve sent one right between his blocker and pad there was a flash of red out the corner of his eye. Freddie managed to stop the puck, squeezing his gear together just before it passed the goal him. Mimicking was he just did with his gear, Freddie squeezed his eyes closed, the world around him going black for just a brief second.

“Fred you good?” Auston’s voice was close to him, Freddie’s eyes popping open to find were he was. Auston was there a couple of feet away from Freddie, hunched over to be eye level with his goalie. At some point during the drill Freddie was doing with Steve, Auston must have put on the red no-contact jersey, because the flash of red Freddie had seen moments before was Auston. There was concern on Auston’s face, wanting to know if his goalie was okay.

“I’m good, just a lot closer of a save than I wanted it to be.”

“You’re too hard on yourself sometimes Freddie.” 

It was not the first time that Auston had uttered that statement to Freddie, but it was a shock to Freddie seeing there current predicament. 

“Auston…” It was almost a plea coming out of Freddie’s mouth.

“What?”

“If you’re going to do just do it.”

Auston looked puzzled, standing up to his full height but maintaining eye contact with Freddie.

“Do what?”

“Can we not make this difficult?”

“Make what difficult?” Auston gaped.

“Can you stop acting like a child for a second? If you want me gone, off your team, I’m gone. You just have to tell me.”

“What the fuck Freddie? What are you talking about?’

“I just told you. Did you not listen?” Freddie was getting fed up with Auston. Why does he have to keep dragging this out? Freddie questioned internally.

“No I am listening, but you are not making any sense. Why would I want you gone? You’re my best friend, you’re our goalie, everyone loves and wants you here.” He was sincere, coming closer to Freddie as he ended.

“It doesn’t seem like that.” Freddie spoke softly, moving his mask up his face.

“What’s going on Fred?”

“You already know.”

“Freddie I don’t know… All I know is that you’ve been avoiding me and everyone else on the team, I just want to make sure you are alright.” 

“Never mind, just forget it. I’m good, I just have been preoccupied recently that’s why I have been so distant.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Freddie paused. “Let’s get practicing.”

The shots were limited, the other coaches pulling Auston away to run some other drills giving Freddie away to escape.

He couldn’t wrap his head around it, was Auston either a really good liar or he didn’t know. Had Freddie made it all up in his head, he knew Auston too well he wasn’t a good liar but how did Freddie get is so wrong. Auston thought Freddie was the one avoiding him, but Freddie thought Auston was the one that was avoiding him. They both thought that the other was avoiding the other, when in fact Freddie thought it was him who caused the whole mess. Freddie just thought that Auston was putting distance between him and Freddie, but in reality Freddie overreacted, blowing one tossed away message by Auston into him wanting to oust him and kick Freddie off of the team. 

Freddie waited, even after he took a shower he waited. Why he waited he wasn’t quite sure his mind was telling him to leave but his body was telling him to stay. He tapped his phone the time ticking away slowly. There were times Freddie was close to getting up and leaving, forgetting whatever it may be that he wanted to talk to Auston about, but he stayed. The doors to the locker room were shut, the soft click noise of the doors opening giving Freddie notice to Auston arrival. 

Auston paused in front of Freddie, looking his goalie up and down. 

“We need to talk.”

“We do.”

“Take a shower and then we can decide where we’ll do this at.” 

“Okay.” Auston didn’t give him a second look, heading straight for the showers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know any ideas or things you might want to see/change if I write some more.
> 
> And thanks for reading! I never really planned on writing something this long, but I can't just stop writing it. I want to figure out how I'm going to finish it all.


	5. and i will go if you ask me to, i will stay if you dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little bit shorter than my past chapters, but I just wanted to get something out for you guys.

Seconds ticked by, the only audible noises being the faint sound of water hitting the tiled floor of the showers that were adjoined to the locker room. Seconds turned to minutes, knuckles turning paler shades of white as Freddie clasped his hands tightly together, waiting for Auston to emerge from the shower. Void of any other noises, there was nothing in the locker room to distract Freddie from the thoughts that were creeping up in the back of his mind. 

It would have been so much easier if Auston wanted him gone, Freddie mulled over, he could just get it over with and I wouldn’t have to see his actual reaction. 

Fear of what was to what was going to happen was the only thing keeping Freddie in the room. It would be nothing for him to slip out while Auston was in the shower, no one was around to tell Auston were he went. But then Auston would suspect something was even more off that it already was, he’d follow Freddie home, if that’s where he decided to go, or he’d call everyone he knew to find out were Freddie was so he could confront him there. Any other time Freddie would commend Auston from the commitment he had to the team and making sure everyone was okay, but in this moment Freddie wished Auston was a different person. On every level it would be easier for Freddie, he wouldn’t have to pretend he wasn’t pining over his friend, and he wouldn’t be faced with the confrontation that was about to occur in front of him. 

The scrolling news bar of the muted TVs the lined the wall across from Freddie’s stall drew his attention in, a sudden rushing of blood in his ears drowning out any other noises in the room. As he read about the latest bill the government was trying to pass Freddie suddenly felt a presence next to him. Cutting his eyes, there Auston was standing only a few feet away.

Moving his head, Freddie took in all of Auston. He was standing there a towel wrapped around his waist, another towel in his hand toweling off his wet hair. With every move Freddie was drawn-in by the pulling of the muscles across his chest. There were droplets of water that still lined his shoulders, and all Freddie wanted was to crowd Auston’s space and wipe them away. Instead, Freddie met Auston’s eye. 

How long had he been watching me staring at him? Freddie questioned internally. 

Auston was the first to speak, maintaining eye contact. 

"Are you ready to talk?”

“Not here.”

“Okay, let me get dressed.” 

Freddie let himself watch as Auston turned away, his broad shoulder taking over his attention. But after a moment of hesitation Auston turned back towards Freddie, looking him straight in the eyes, remaining wordless. Auston forwent his stall and proceeded to leave the dressing room. Following the younger man, Freddie soon realized that Auston was going to the room where they changed from their street clothes to their under amour. 

Distance grew between Freddie and Auston as they walked down the hallway, silence still present between them. Freddie watched the lines of Auston’s back move when he walked, the drops of water trickling down his back the further they went. 

It took a lot out of him to not follow Auston into the changing room, spill out all of his thoughts within the walls of the tiny room, but he resisted. Leaning on the wall opposite of the door staring, waiting for it to swing back open. There were so many ways that Freddie could approach the issue with Auston, none of which sounded good the Freddie the more and more he thought about. 

What will he think if I just bring him back to my house? That he supposed to be okay with it all, pretend like there wasn’t going to be anything different between them. What if he thought that I wanted something out of him?

Freddie shifted his weight so that he was leaning his back against the wall, eyes not moving from the door.

So, we’ll just go to his place. But what if he feels like I voided his personal space? That wouldn’t work. If they went out to a restaurant though, Auston could tell everyone around what I had just him. That wasn’t an option.

Before Freddie could think any longer on the topic Auston emerged from the opening door in front of him. Auston had a cocky look spread across his face, his smile extending up to his eyes. 

“You good Fred?”

“Yeah I’m good man, I’ll drive.”  
“Good I didn’t want to have to deal with some Uber driver trying to listen to our conversation.” Auston words were without worry. 

Standing in front of Freddie, Auston’s smile lingered on his face, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he starred across at his goalie. 

“You gotta loosen up man!” Auston grinned punching Freddie’s arm softly. 

Freddie’s eyes lingered on the hand that had just made contact with his arm, taking in the callused harden palms and long fingers. 

He had no idea how longer his eyes had been lingering on Auston’s hand, but it was long enough for him to notice and slowly wave his hand to get Freddie’s attention. 

“Earth to Freddie. Are you sure your good?” His voice lacked the cheer it had moments before, the cheer being overtaken by concern.

“Just have a lot on my mind.” 

“Anything in particular that you want to talk about?”

“Not anything right now.” Freddie responded pulling himself off the wall and began to walk towards the exit. “Let’s go I’m hungry.”

Out of all of the responses that Freddie could have thought of, Auston reaction to his statement took him by surprise. Auston grabbed Freddie’s wrist, his long fingers wrapping completely around it. 

“You know you can talk to me right? About anything.” 

Between the look of concern on Auston’s face and his fingers that were igniting his skin, Freddie began to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. Auston had no idea what he was about to do.

“I know.”

“Good.” There was a heavy pause between Auston’s words. “You should make us that fish and rice stuff you used to always make us?”

“Yeah?” Freddie was taken aback by Auston request but began to walk towards the exit, Auston fingers leaving his wrist. 

“Yeah, do you have the stuff to make it at your place?”

Your place, right he doesn’t want me at his place.  
“I think I have all of the ingredients, the only thing I may not have is enough vegetables for the both of us.” 

“We should be fine without vegetables for one meal Freddie, Dan won’t kill us over that.” 

“You say that now.” Freddie joked, Auston laughing in response. 

Freddie had parked close to the entrance, so it took no time for the pair to reach his car once they left the building. And within seconds of Freddie turning his car on, Auston was already messing with the heat and radio. 

Freddie was going to make a joke about Auston owning his car, but he thought better of it. Instead just giving a glance over at Auston before pulling out of the space. The only noise that was in the car was the Top 40 station that Auston had turned on, but there was no tension between Auston and Freddie. Instead it was replaced by a since of familiarity, a feeling that Freddie didn’t want to risk losing. 

They managed to not hit any traffic on their way back to Freddie apartment, few words escaping their lips, and the few that did were related to observations they made as the drive went on. But it never became uncomfortable. 

Even the ride up in the elevator to Freddie’s apartment was field with comfortable silence. 

Auston bypassed the kitchen and went straight to the living room when he entered Freddie’s apartment, making himself at home at his normally spot on Freddie’s sofa. Freddie watched as he turned on the TV switching it to some movie, grabbing one of the many throw blankets Freddie had laying on his sofa and throwing it over himself. The action made something inside Freddie warm up. Turning away, Freddie moved to the kitchen and began making them a late lunch. 

It wasn’t until Freddie was platting the food that he saw Auston again. He had walked silently into the kitchen, Freddie only feeling his presences after a few moments of him standing behind him. Without words Auston walked past Freddie, arms brushing each other, and sat on the island next to where Freddie was platting the food. Freddie was taken aback by Auston’s action. His hands stopping what they had previously been doing.

The pair starred each other in the eyes, neither breaking contact even as Auston grabbed the pan out of Freddie’s hands, placing it on the counter next to them. 

Freddie was the first to speak. “We need to talk.”

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry.” Freddie whispered, not trusting himself to say it fully.  
“For what?” Auston questioned, eyes still remaining on Freddie. 

“You already know Aus…” Freddie found himself inching closer to Auston subconsciously as the seconds passed by, slotting himself between Auston’s legs. 

“I don’t though.” 

Without any thought, Freddie closed the space between him and Auston. His chapped lips connecting with Auston’s for a chaste kiss. Within seconds, Freddie’s mind caught up with his actions regret suddenly taking over but as soon as he began to pull away Auston pulled him back in. He deepened the kiss, hands clasping either side of Freddie’s face. As Auston deepened the kiss, Freddie moved so that their chest were flush against each other, his hands on the counter by each of Auston’s thighs. 

It could have been minutes or just a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity for Freddie, a fervent desire that he never though could happened. But it also meant that reality came back at him with the force of a freight train. He pulled always from Auston, instantly missing the weight of his hands on his face.

Auston looked confused yet devastated at the same time as Freddie took a step away from him. 

“I thought you wanted that?” Auston questioned.

“Auston….” Freddie began looking the younger man in the eyes. ”We can’t.”

“But isn’t it what you wanted?” Auston asked again, a trace of anger in his voice. 

“We can’t.” 

“You wanted this though, right?” Auston lowered himself from the counter, closing the little distance between himself and Freddie. 

“I never said that.” 

“You didn’t have to.” Auston paused placing a hand on Freddie’s chest. “I can see it in you, you know.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie Freddie, I’ve seen you watching me when you should be doing anything but that.” 

“Auston..” Freddie began but didn’t finish. 

“We both know that you don’t treat the other guys the way you treat me.”  
“I don’t know what you mean.” Freddie lied, he knew exactly what Auston was talking about. 

“So your telling me you cook food and kiss all of the guys on the team?”

“That was a mistake Auston, I don’t know why I did that. I shouldn’t have.”

“It didn’t feel like a mistake on my end.” Auston snarked.

“Well it was!” Freddie barked back, stepping away from Auston’s reach. 

“Then why did you do it?”

Freddie shock his head before responded. “I don’t know.”

“What would you do if I told you I wanted it too?”

“Like I already told you, we can’t.”

“So you’ve thought about it?” 

“Auston…”

“I know you’ve thought about it. You think I don’t remember all of those times when you think I’ve been asleep and I here you whisper all of those things to me?” 

Auston’s response took Freddie off guard, Auston heard all the thing Freddie wanted to say to him but never had the courage to do. Which meant Auston had known for weeks what Freddie felt about him. Which meant Freddie was right, Auston was freaked out about Freddie’s feelings for him. He was testing Freddie right now, to prove that was once and for all what Auston thought he was, just someone taking advantage of their friend. 

“What do you want me to tell you? That I’m in love with you and that I want you? Is that what you really want? Cause if it is it’s a lie. I don’t want you!” It was the hardest thing Freddie has ever had to say, but he didn’t know what else to do. Even though he knew it was coming, he couldn’t let Auston have all of the cards in his hand, he need some control of the situation. 

“You don’t mean that.” Auston rejected, a trace of hurt laced with his words. 

“But I do.” Freddie sighed. 

“Then why do you keep doing what you’re doing?”

“I’m not doing anything to you Auston.”

“But you are!” Auston yelled in frustration. “What do you call what we’ve done?”

“We haven’t done anything”

“You have though Fred. Auston sighed. “You have. I see you with all the other guys and you don’t act the same around them. You keep them all at arm’s length but not me.” Auston’s face dropped as he spoke, desperation filling his voice.

“I never meant too.” Freddie tried to step towards Auston, but the younger man kept the distance between them.

“That’s bullshit! You do all of this shit to pull me in just to turn around and act like nothing is between us every time I try to act on it.”

“That’s not true. I’ve done my best to not act on anything that I wanted to do. You’re the one who randomly goes and acts like I don’t exist or like I am a burden for you and the team! If you don’t want me here just tell me already.”

The look on Auston’s face was mixed between hurt and anger.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because that’s how you act! You haven’t acknowledged me outside of a few interactions with the team in weeks. Every time I see you your either trying to avoid me or your starring daggers at me. I don’t know what you want from me! I’ve done everything that I could possible think so to not want you. I know you don’t want me but I can’t keep it up anymore.” Freddie paused taking in a sharp breath. “If you don’t want me here, please just tell me. I won’t fight it, I won’t be mad at you. I just can’t do it anymore.”

There was a long pause between Auston and Freddie, neither man moving just eyes locked on to each other. The emotional plea that had escaped Freddie’s lips caused his face to be drained of any type of life. Auston’s face slowly turning to stone as the seconds passed. His jaw clinching and unclenching as his face become more and more like stone. 

The sudden beeping of the stove pulled Freddie’s eyes away from Auston, his body turning quickly away from the man in front of him. Even as he moved quickly to pull the food off of the heat, his motions seemed slowed down. 

What did I just do? Freddie questioned to himself as he prepared to turn back around to face Auston.  
Auston had not moved, his eyes still lingering on Freddie.

“Is that how you feel?” Auston’s words were barely above an unsteady whisper.

Freddie didn’t have the words to respond, eyes tearing away from Auston’s knowing he would not be able to hold in his emotions. Instead he grabbed the edge on the island, dropping his head between his shoulders. All of a sudden Freddie’s breathing became rapid, the emotions of the past few minutes finally catching up to him. 

As seconds passed, a hand was placed on Freddie’s arm, Auston moving towards Freddie for the first time in minutes. 

“Fred…” Auston began he voiced laced with something Freddie couldn’t place. 

“Please, don’t.” It was heart breaking to Freddie to plead to his best friend to not touch him, but he didn’t have the heart to take it. 

He listened to Freddie’s words jerking his hand off a Freddie. 

The popping of Auston’s ankle was what first altered Freddie that the other man had left the room, followed closely by the slamming of a door somewhere in the apartment. With a shaky breath Freddie pulled himself off of the counter, ensuring that the stove was off, Freddie walked towards the door hesitating for a moment. But ultimately pulling open the door, leaving Auston behind wherever he may have been in Freddie’s apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been forever since I last updated, and I'm so sorry about that. Between work, school, and some other issues I just haven't had the time to work on this as much as I would have liked. The semester is ending in a dew weeks so hopefully I'll have some more time on my hands to work on this. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> Also the chapter name comes from the song If I Go, I'm Goin by Gregory Alan Isakov which is one of the songs I listened to when writing this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to finish writing this because I like were it is going but I am not sure if I should or not. Let me know any ideas or things you might want to see/change if I write some more.


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